A guide to Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation is a crucial skill for child development as it helps children manage their emotions in healthy ways, build resilience and interact positively with others. We learn to regulate our emotions through co-regulation.
Co -regulation is key when we are talking about emotional regulation and children need a co-regulator like they need, food, water and love. Co regulation is a core coping strategy for big behaviours. Children cannot regulate by themselves, a consistent attuned caregiver is essential to help children build this essential life skill, someone who has unconditional positive regard towards them. Someone who can be with them. The key word here is “be”, not “do”. Be in the moment with your child when the child’s world is falling apart.
Be the anchor for your child, when the sea is stormy.
The child development website ‘Zero to Three’ offer this definition,
“Co-regulation is defined as warm and responsive interactions that provide the support, modeling and coaching children need to understand, express and modulate their thoughts, feelings and behaviours” (Murray et al.2015,14)
Here are some parenting tips to support emotional regulation in children:
Parenting tips for emotional regulation
There will always be survival mode moments, accepting that makes it less difficult when those moments happen. Stress is part of everyday life for both you and your child.
- Modeling Behavior: Put your own oxygen mask on first, notice what is coming up in your body and do what you need to do to regulate yourself. Your child will follow.
- Use “I” statements to express your emotions and how you manage them.
- ‘Time in’ not ‘Time out’: A time in is about holding space, not isolation and punishment. Connection rather than correction. As a parent / caregiver you are responding to dysregulation rather than reacting to it. Responding with awareness, kindness and compassion.
- Naming Emotions: Teach children to identify and label their emotions. Name your own feelings as they rise in your body. Use books, emotion charts, or games, there are wonderful emotion charts available that give many names for a variety of emotions.
- Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: see activities related to this in our mindful videos for children and adults. See also our mindfulness article. Link here.
Use your breath, your body and your movement to help yourself regulate. Offer yourself kindness and compassion when big behaviours are coming up for you and your child.
- Routine and Predictability: Maintain a consistent daily routine to provide a sense of security, safety and predictability. Prepare children for transitions and changes in advance. See our video on Connection in Separation and other articles related to transitions.
- Modelling: Model to your child how to identify problems and come up with solutions. Role-play different age appropriate scenarios such as winning and losing with them, so they learn how to be with their emotions when they win and when they lose.
- Empathy: Encourage empathy by discussing how others might feel in different situations. Dan Siegel talks about Mindsight, putting yourself in someone else’s mind and figuring out what it must be like to be that person. Model really listening, dropping everything and listening.
- Positive Reinforcement: Praise and reward children when they successfully regulate their emotions, with you there by their side, guiding them.
- Repair after the rupture is so important, so that your child knows you love and accept them as they are, that their big feelings are normal and that you will be there to help them through them the next time.
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