Supporting our Children with Big Behaviours
How to Support Your Child Through big behaviours (both outbursts and withdrawal) with Calm and Connection
Big behaviours (tantrums) can feel overwhelming—for both you and your child. In these moments, it’s easy to feel frustrated, helpless or even embarrassed. Tantrums are not misbehaviour; they are an expression of big feelings that your child doesn’t yet have the skills to manage. The good news? You don’t have to stop the tantrum—you just need to be a steady, compassionate presence while it runs its course.
Why are the big behaviours happening?
Big behaviours arise when a child’s nervous system is overwhelmed. Maybe they are tired, hungry, overstimulated or struggling with a big emotion like frustration or disappointment. Young children’s brains are still developing, especially the part responsible for impulse control and emotional regulation. When their feelings outgrow their ability to cope, they erupt—sometimes loudly, sometimes in a way that we think is dramatic.
Your Role: The Steady Anchor
Your child needs your calm more than anything. Instead of trying to reason with them or shut the tantrum down, focus on staying present and connected.
- Breathe First – Take a slow, deep breath before responding. Your calm presence helps regulate their nervous system.
- Stay Close, Stay Low – If they’ll let you, get down to their level. If they need space, give it while reassuring them you’re nearby.
- Acknowledge the Feeling – “You’re really upset right now. I see that.” Naming emotions helps children feel understood.
- Hold a Safe Space – Resist the urge to fix, scold, or distract. Instead, offer a safe container for their big emotions to move through.
The Beauty of Rupture and Repair
Arguments and moments of disconnection are a natural part of any relationship, including the parent-child bond. The beauty of rupture is that it offers an opportunity for repair. After the storm of a tantrum passes, your child will seek reconnection. This is when they need your warmth and reassurance the most. A hug, a gentle conversation, or simply playing together can help repair any tension and reinforce their sense of security.
When we approach big behaviours with patience and presence, we teach our children an invaluable lesson: relationships are strong enough to hold big feelings. There will be moments of disconnection, but we can always find our way back to each other.
Reflecting on Our Own Reactions
If it feels like tantrums and conflict are where the energy is most of the time, it is important to pause and reflect.
Are we reacting from a place of emotion or are we responding from a thoughtful, grounded mindset?
Children absorb our energy, so when we meet their outbursts with frustration, they feel it. But when we pause, breathe and respond with calm, we help them find their way back to balance.
Tantrums are not a sign that something is wrong with your child or your parenting. They are a normal part of childhood—and an opportunity for connection. When you embrace the rhythm of rupture and repair, you show your child that no matter how big the feelings get, they are never too much for you.
Good news – “Good enough is good enough” – Winnicott
The good news “Good enough is good enough” , if we are able to do this for our children 30% of the time that’s good enough. When we are not able to attune to them and give them our regulated nervous system, we become aware of that and circle back to the repair.
Prepared to parent-if you feel you need support on your parenting journey, our Parenting Toolkit may be what you need. We will walk alongside you and together we find that ‘missing piece’ for you, that aha moment where you find connection in your role as a parent and then that beautiful new lens through which to see your child. Join our next Parenting toolkit here. We also have a masterclass on Easing Childhood Outbursts through Connection this masterclass dives further into this topic giving you more insights and practical strategies to help you and your child.
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Anna & Susanne
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